Vir Cantium

I'm right, you know …

This Could Get Messy


Alas, I am having to resign myself to the inevitable truth. I was unaware until now, but I have little choice. I must leave you all …

It seems that, according to the Government’s immigration Britishness Test, I am not British enough to reside in this country. My score of 66% missed the pass mark of 75%.

I shall therefore go back to where I came from.

I warn you, though, it will require some surgery to send the relevant fractions of me back to Scotland, Wales and various parts of England from whence various branches of my family have originated.

Oh, if only I’d been even more of a news junkie than I am already, I would have been able to pass the acid test of what it means to be a true subject of Her Majesty … like “What proportion of the UK population have used illegal drugs at one time or another?” (apparently it’s a third, not a quarter, you dirty foreigner!)

Or knowing the legal minimum that a school must be open for – having never yet served on my council’s Children and Young People’s Policy Development & Scrutiny Committee, my incorrect answer of 170 days condemned me.

Or being aware that women have had the right to divorce their husbands since 1857, not 1901 (a right that Mrs C may now have to exercise, if she married me under the false impression that I was a pureblooded Brit).

So, if you’ll pardon me, I’ll get me coat….


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