Vir Cantium

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Category Archives: Attempted Humour

Thatcher Spine Transplant Fails

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From the news wires…

A leak from the hospital that treated the former Prime Minister Baroness Thatcher reveals that her recent operation was only a partial success. The procedure, which was officially described as a ‘bladder operation’, was actually an attempt at a pioneering form of spine transplant procedure.

The files report that the spine was successfully removed and a pattern taken before replacing the backbone into the former PM. However, attempts to coax a group of stem cells to replicate the spine for the benefit of an unnamed 46 year old patient failed.

The donee, referred to only by the initials “D.C.” has been informed that he will have to remain on the waiting list for a backbone – a indefinite period given the current lack of suitable donors apart from Lord Tebbit who everyone’s too scared to ask.

This Isn’t Just an M&S Parody …

This wasn’t just a gold sale,
This was gold drizzled away at the bottom of the market.

This wasn’t just a deficit,
This was a wholemeal structural deficit steadily rising over 9 years.

This wasn’t just overspending,
This is an artisan underachievement of income.

This wasn’t just printing money,
This was a jus of quantitative easing supporting a shell of faux growth.

This wasn’t a raid on pensions,
This was a delicate extraction of £5bn a year topped with a liberal portion of chutzpah.

This wasn’t just an end to boom and bust,
This was a conflate of bovine extract on a bed of debt and dodgy accounting.

This wasn’t just an economic balls-up,
This was a Labour economic balls-up.

Armageddon Beckons

It may be Friday afternoon, but Kim Jong Il clearly doesn’t stop work early….

NorKorArs

[Insert schoolboy assessment of nuclear weapons proliferation here.]

All of which is only slightly less frivolous than the latest on the Great Leader’s visit to a trouser factory.

Accountants' Joke

What is the capital of Iceland?

About £3.50.

I thank you.

Yes Minister 2009

Scene: Home Secretary’s office. It’s been six months since the Summer 2008 reshuffle, and the current Home Secretary wants to make his mark.

Permanent Secretary: Well, Home Secretary, we still have a problem with gun crime. It’s up on last year. Most of it is linked to drug gangs it seems.
Home Secretary: Well, we have to be seen to be doing something <cough> I mean, we have to do something.
PS: Hmmm, but I don’t think the Treasury will like anything too … brave. The Chancellor has been quite clear about the need for reining in budgets…
HS: No no. We need to announce that we’re thinking of doing something about it.
PS: Oh, that’s OK.
HS: Now, all this drug fuelled gang violence. They’re using guns, so let’s ban the guns.
PS: Errr, the guns are already illegal. The problem is that the criminals don’t seem to care about the law.
HS: If the guns are illegal then how come they’re still using them?
PS: As I said, Home Secretary, they’re criminals. By definition …
HS: I know! They must be using deactivated weapons and activating them again. We’ll ban deactivated weapons.
PS: Yes, Home Secretary, but the ban on deactivated weapons was already in the Queen’s Speech last November after last year’s Home Secretary decided to ban them. It’s going through the committee stage at the moment, remember?
HS: Right. Well, that’ll sort it then.
PS: Probably not, Home Secretary. You see (sighs wearily) The. Criminals. Don’t. Care. About. The. Law.
HS: What about imitation weapons?
PS: Like children use to play soldiers with?
HS: Play soldiers? That sounds terrible. We must ban imitation weapons to protect the children from becoming violent gunmen.
PS: Errr…
HS: So, that’s the next generation safe. But what about gun crime now? If guns are banned, and deactivated weapons are banned, then … I know! Guns are made of metal aren’t they?
PS: Generally yes, Home Secretary, but …
HS: That’s it then. We’ll ban metal. Draft me a speech for tomorrow will you?
PS: (Mentally weighing up departmental transfer opportunities against early retirement pay-off) Yes, Home Secretary.